White Grief

Cotton candy falling down on every blade and each tree,
A wet kiss upon the scorched Earth, shades of white are all I see.
The gray mist, blinding every corner, hangs low under the smoky sky
The dawn is here, riding on the wings of clouds that fly.

Somber, it snows, quietly outside, unmindful of thousand a prying soul,
When it descends in its lordly flight, the haughty smile, that majestic stroll.
It touches my windowpane, and Lo! It’s gone, melting away
Soft as a butterfly’s laugh, in sweet whispers she says,

“Wake up, love. It hath dawned. I see no Sun, but I see it light,
Thy solitude hangs, cast away into the burning night.
Catch thy dreams, fill thy heart, and hold to thee them dear,
The dark is strong, piercing cold, I watched mine disappear”

I close my eyes shut, staring into the spotless white,
Vines of green rise amidst the fallen infinite
I was a stone yesterday, a tweak, or maybe a fallen leaf
I see it happen today, settling down with my own white grief.

The Litany Against Fear

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.



- Frank Herbert, collected sayings from DUNE.

Why worship God, when Satan’s cooler and why Opeth kicks ass?

Isn’t it surprising enough – without me having to exclaim about it – that people have finally started to opine about their views on theology (forgive my incorrect orthography) after years of contemplating about who should get the upper hand – God or Satan? Nevertheless, I exclaim, twice!! Every second profile on a social networking site proudly, or perhaps predictably – if you know what signs to look out for - displays this once accursed term, Atheist, somewhere. The sect of people, who once embellished supposed insolence of the innocuous non-believers to the extent of publicly flogging them to near death, today exist as dormant toads ready to spring into action even on the slightest suspicion of an inopportune excuse. They may be, perhaps, justified in their work as servants of the omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient being, the One, Brahma, the Father, Yahweh, Judas, Allah and many more. (Sometimes, I wonder, are He/She really only one?)

What surprises me more than these faithful believers, are the new generation of unbelievers. According to Richard Dawkins in his book The God Delusion, "the Darwinian Theory of natural selection is the only plausible alternative to intelligent design." I cannot agree with it more than I already do. However, not many of the pious believers can take this down with a sip of wine and, in fact, they continue to strengthen their faith. But for those lurking on the border between belief and unbelief, I choose to call it uncertain belief, rise to the occasion and disown their kind and benevolent God whom they have pledged their lifelong devotion to, until, of course, now. The easiest way to spot individuals of this breed is a peek into their photo albums, or even the music they listen to. One can draw easy parallels between such kind of behavior and their interest – natural or even acquired – towards a specific genre of music. For instance the following comparison is most probable*

Type 1 - Backstreet Boys

These are the ones who, most probably would be strictly religious, surviving without a hint of disbelief.

Type 2 - Linkin' Park

These are moderately religious, praying daily types, but a little belligerent

Type 3 - Metallica

These are characterized by being rarely pious and having unpredictable mood swings between the extremes (Agnostic)

Type 4 - Iron Maiden

They are almost never pious, beginning to suspect foul play of religion, perhaps seeking an anti – God

Type 5 - Slayer

These individuals are totally atheistic, consider themselves out of sync even at the slightest mention of God, almost Satan preferring ones

Type 6 - Cannibal Corpse

God – haters, and hence Atheist, these are firm believers in the dictum that Cruelty is what drives subcutaneous human behavior. They almost border on Paganism.

Type 7 - Mayhem/Burzum

These creatures are totally vindictive (Pagan), accepting the authority of Satan without question.

* This, of course, has exceptions as any observable and probable event. However, a majority of people fall into the above-mentioned categories. The bands have a representational value. Hence CC can be well replaced with any other Death Metal band.

What surprises me here, is that an individual starts showing signs of intellect by questioning the obvious, moves on to a state of pseudo understanding and treads further to fall into the same trap as our religious believers have fallen into centuries ago. They start disbelieving in God, hence Atheist, at the same time when they move towards an equally fictitious counterpart, Satan. This cannot be explained any better than Professor Nash’s Game Theory. Is this not blindly following your illusions, just as the disillusioned propagators of theism did? Is this what their imaginations come to a halt to? An omnipresent diabolical being who has the same credibility as that of a seemingly pusillanimous, but benevolent, God? Well, perhaps the sunshine has stopped shining on God – I wonder if it ever did. If God denounces the unbelievers and casts them to eternal sufferings, then well be it. Satan waits with open arms. How could Hell be different than the hell-hole we already live in? Isn’t there much more freedom of thought, expression out there? God forbids those who sin. Hell is for sinners, isn’t it? Who does not like to break rules? Wouldn’t life - again I fail to understand how you could live after you die – be cooler in Hell than in Heaven? Anyway, we are condemned to eternal damnation. How worse could it get?

This figment of imagination does exactly the same work as some other did two thousand years ago. There is an anti-Christ for every Christ. There is a dark church for every ‘home of God that spreads light’. People have died in the name of God, countless many. They do so in the name of Satan. What is the difference then, between the two? They are exactly the opposite poles of a magnet, fictitious but always seeking the other. Thus, the unnerving question of ‘righteous belief’ does have a not so unnervingly trivial solution.


God = Satan = Imagination

Then who imagines better? Douglas Adams could go as far as Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple breasted whore of Eroticon VI. Why worship God, when Satan is cooler? As for the second part of the question, it is just a personal opinion.

As a footnote to the above essay, I'd like to clear some misgivings regarding what exactly am I trying to say here as pointed out by my thoughtful dear friends. Am I advocating the case of Satan here? The answer, painfully for all my unbeliever readers, is no. I have no reason to advocate something that is a terribly imagined fable (precisely the reason why I can't even think of advocating god). What I intended to do, was, to point a scathing (rather humorous) finger at the acceptance of the existence of Satan "just to be in vogue" by a few, rather than standing ground to deny the existence of god, to be called an Atheist. I, rather clumsily tried to poke fun at these unbelievers; in reality I have nothing against them. The title of this post seems to naturally indicate my proclivity towards the authority of the devil. But I need to assure you, that I have thought over it more than what it may seem I did. Thus I say, for the last time, that I do not accept the authority of any god or devil over science. As an atheist, I do not believe that there is no god just because I am supposed to do so. I do so, because I have found no evidence, whatsoever, to make me accept it. I hope this clears the air a little.

Let this be without a name..

When ever I felt thorns in my flesh, you were the soothing
When ever I felt the reason to live, you were the reason
When ever I felt like I wanted to cry, you were the tears
When ever I felt like I was alive, you were the heartbeat
When ever I felt stranded in dark, you were the light
When ever I felt choking for air, you were the breeze
When ever my fingers froze in the frost, you were my warmth
When ever I bent down on my knees, you were the God
When ever I walked with maimed flesh, you were my soul
When ever I looked out into the sky, you were the stars.

Silent Scream

She lay on the dank grass, her face pressing against the dew-moistened blades. Tears made their way uninhibited down her aquiline nose.

Dew?

She sank her fingers deep in the wet mud and let out a prayer. A meteor crossed the sky. She lay there by the river for what it must have felt like an eternity to her already numb senses and a painfully numbing mind.

She had wandered down the lonely bank, wincing everytime gravel cut into her bare feet, at times letting out a muted gasp. Later it was simply a pair of unblinking eyes, the gaze fixed nowhere. The bellowing river drowned out the noise in her head. For one long moment she stood there staring at the crescent moon. Oh! How she loved it! Tonight we meet never to meet again, she thought. The touch of the cold steel sent shivers down her spine. One last time! Memories of her childhood chased her; some gushing, others halting, waiting to be probed, staying just behind the veil of awareness.

Childhood?

The child had died long ago and yet she did not cry. Now she suppressed a surprised smile. Now it was her turn.

She did not quite remember the end of her living. Twenty years ago? Or was it two? She did not care anyway. Nobody did. So it did not matter. She had known laughter, pain, love and hate. Now she knew remorse, black and solid. She remembered her first kiss and she felt abominable. She remembered her father’s touch and she slashed at the air around.

Bastards! All of them! What was her last name anyway?

She felt her quickened pulse subside. Her heart beat right into her eardrums. Deafening silence. Deadening silence. She attempted to scream, which was no more than a faint, quivering sputter. This time she had let herself stumble. Her face felt warm again.

The stream ran red.

I observe and therfore I am

Life's ways do not always end and some of them are hard to mend. Old habits die hard, they say. Some of them endear you to others while the rest of them cut off your societal umbilical cord.  

I think I identify with most of the latter trends. No, I am not a hermit. 
I am simply non-judgemental when it comes to people.

The other day I was a laughing spectacle at one of those coffee shops when I wouldn't open my mouth to speak up amongst a group of merry individuals. I'm sure I must have aroused some concern, for I was asked if I were really comfortable once every 42 seconds. Now how could I tell them about my uncertainty? They said that one can judge the smartness of a person within a few minutes of 'being together'. How do I convince them to look behind the façade that everyone dons? Just how difficult it is to judge!

Aren't we ever willing to be heard, to be heard before anyone else even begins to speak? Do we not rush to conclusions? How uncertain we all are, but how we mask ourselves! The intelligible data processor between our ears does not even begin to assimilate the data while we are already on our way to sow 'the seeds of turmoil even as we speak'. Is our intuition a theorem? A set of statements mathematically proven? Logic is often incorrect with limited data points. The probability that a  proverbial coin tossed gives heads or tails approaches the text-book value only after infinite trials, which in effect is never! So how do we trust logic?

Then my other self intervened. It argued, what about patterns, regularity, chaos and order? The seemingly dissarayed foliage reveals remarkable patterns. All you need are observant eyes and not a judgemental mind.

They say that I analyze things too much, that I do not enjoy stuff that i should be doing otherwise. I agree. Is it the fault of a river that it fills all the cracks and crevices in its course? Data needs to be frozen to be kept out of my mind.  I have observed a pattern in people. 
They deny the obvious even when their mind refuses to do so. Judging, always judging!

Even as Itype, I feel the burden draining off my mind. I ruminate on the morsels while the others enjoy the sumptuous meal. I can sense my thoughts course through my mind to my arms, my fingers. I feel better. I observe and therefore I am.

I hope to see you smile

The evening rays of light
fall onto my window.
The motes of dust
find a way right in.
They house on the floor
where they will lie untouched
for years to come.

It's night by now, cold and bleak and
the rays have gone
and so have the motes.
I hope to see stars and i find none.
Do you know how dark it gets?
And just how cold?

You say the sun will shine;
That there will be rays
I know, love, I do
And that's why i dare to dream tonight.
I dare to think that I live,
staring out of the window
when I hope to see you smile.